the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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