tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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