"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
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