Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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