I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
