Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
