If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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