Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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