I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
