She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
