Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
