Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
