my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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