Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
