Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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