I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
