Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
