I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
