I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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