I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
