I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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