It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
