all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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