I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
