I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
