I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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