We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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