His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
