piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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