I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
