Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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