this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
