I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
