im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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