I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
