Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
