She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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