im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Congratulations! We have a period
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