he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
