Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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