I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
