wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
its not stalking. its research.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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