What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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