How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
