forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
