I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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