I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
