just tell him i said nine months
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
A bitchslap is in order.
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