This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
