Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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