youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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