After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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