I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
