someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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