I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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