nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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