i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
