I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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