My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
