i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
