OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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