I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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